Without Words I Am Nothing

2011-09-25T15:43:00.002-04:00

you think you da only 1 that had a broken heart
da shit you put me through tore a bitch apart
I swear I loved u never thought this shit would end
the public hugs and kisses that shit was just pretend
after all we been through sorry can't just be your friend
I wanted to be ya barbie n for you to be my ken

In n out of my heart

2010-09-21T20:09:00.004-04:00

My heart isn't designed to operate as a revolving door
In and out you walk and i cant take this shit no more
I rather you come in and lock the door behind you or leave and never return
Its only so many times i would allow this revolving door to turn

2010-09-05T14:35:00.003-04:00

I PROMISED MYSELF I WOULD NEVER BE PUT IN THIS SITUATION AGAIN
TO OPEN UP AND ALLOW ANYONE IN
KNOWING THAT THE PIECES OF MY HEART WERE NEVER PROPERLY GATHER
FROM THE PREVIOUS TIMES IT WAS SHATTERED
BUT WHEN I THINK ABOUT YOU NONE OF THAT SEEMS TO MATTER
JUS UNDERSTAND THAT YOU HAVE ENTERED A SACRED ZONE
WHERE THERE IS LESS TO BE SAID AND MORE TO BE SHOWN
IM OFFERING YOU A BIG PIECE OF JANAYL
BUT MY ONLY REQUEST IS THAT YOU TREAT HER WELL

FATAL ATTRACTION

2010-09-05T14:28:00.002-04:00

LOOK IN MY SOUL
LOOK IN MY PURSE
AND TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK
YOU PROBABLY THINK IM CRAZY AND IN NEED OF A SHRINK
WHEN YOU LOOK INTO MY SOUL CAN YOU READ THAT ITS DARK LIKE DAYLIGHT WITHOUT THE SUN
AND WHEN YOU LOOK INTO MY PURSE AND SEE THAT GUN
CAN YOU TELL I JUST OFFED A BITCH IN THE PRESENCE OF HER SON
DO I APPEAR TO BE A PERSON WHO IS MENTALLY UNSTABLE
AND BE PUT INTO A POSITION
WHERE THE JUDGE GIVE ME A SENTENCE
THAT CAN NEVER BE FULFILLED
OR A PERSON WHO HAS BEEN MISTREATED AND OUT TO TAKE BACK WHATS HERS
EVEN IF THAT MEAN DUMPING BODIES AND TRUNKING KIDS
ALLOWING HEAVEN TO BE THEIR NEW PLACE TO LIVE
YES IM GUILTY, FOR FALLING IN LOVE
AND I CAN SAY THAT IT WAS MY FAULT
BUT YOUR TO BLAME FOR THE PAIN
THAT TOOK ME TO THE POINT OF INSANE
NEVER THINK THAT I COULD BE HURT AND HAVE NO REACTION
EVEN THOUGH NOW IM YOUR LOVER
I CAN ALSO BE A CRUCIAL FATAL ATTRACTION

2010-09-05T14:24:00.002-04:00

NOT STUPID, JUS LOST WITHOUT A GUIDE
NOT DEPERATE, JUST IN SEARCH OF HAPPINESS FOR MY PAIN TO HIDE
NOT CRAZY, JUST TWISTED IN THE EXPECTATION OF SOCIETY
NOT WEIRD, JUST BELIEVE PEOPLE OPINIONS SHOULDNT BOTHER ME

2010-09-05T14:21:00.002-04:00

I been through the rainy days in April
and the sunny days in June
to know that happiness comes quick but ends too soon
so many things i hide behind my smile
I cant express my feelinz or maybe i dont know how
I never knew a heart could hold so much pain
Is there a limit to heartache that takes you to the point of insane

KILLER ON THE LOOSE

2010-09-05T14:14:00.002-04:00

AS I STAND HERE I WATCH THIS KILLER MAKE MY PEOPLE DISAPPEAR
ITS KINDA LIKE IT HAS SOME TYPE OF POWER THAT MY ENTIRE RACE FEAR
THERES NOWHERE TO RUN THIS KILLER HAS TAKEN OVER OUR ATMOSPHERE
SO I DECIDE TO GATHER INFORMATION AND TRY TO FACE THE FACT AND THEN I REALIZE THAT THIS KILLER ATTACKS MOSTLY BLACKS
BUT THERE NO TIME FOR STEREOTYPE MY PEOPLE IS DYING
YOUNG MEN BEING CAPTURED MOTHERS LEFT CRYING
BUT THE NEWS REPORT DONT CHANGE
SAME STORE JUST A DIFFERENT NAME
PEOPLE OFTEN SPEAK ABOUT HOW THEY WOULD NEVER PUT THEIR FAMILY THROUGH THIS PAIN
BUT UNPROTECTED SEX SCREAMS OUT THE KILLER'S NAME

R.I.P MONEY aka ANT

2010-09-05T14:05:00.002-04:00

Money i know if you were here you wouldnt want me to cry
i knew you for more than two years and its fucked up i didnt get the chance to say goodbye
but thats life n these tears for you i cry
i never thought i see the day that you will die
you called me and told me you was moving to cali and that Monday i heard u got a bullet in your body
my first instinct was to cry but i heard you was alive but a few days later ya aunt told me you died
thats fucked up that shit took ya life
you was a young bul u aint live ya life
but hey i cant wait til i meet u again
and my bad i can stop these tears from dripping down my chin
but imma try to b a G for you and suck it up
but i love and this shit that happen is really fucked up
R.I.P MONEY

Our Society

2010-09-05T13:59:00.002-04:00

Living in this world today there nothing promised
gotta be strong to survive this
this life filled with drugs, violence, and pregnancy only to name a few
fatherless sons and daughter unaware of what to do
mislead by the street and misunderstood by society
results to teens with confused personalities
young woman growing up too fast
young men pressured into gangs
babies having babies in search for men to ease their pain
too weak to be strong, no minds of their own
make irrational decisions and still consider themselves to be grown
lets blame the parents for not being home
children left alone so they turn to the streets
some sale medication, which destroys our people and our nation
and because of the lack of education they dont know that the route their going their life is soon to end
and the way society is set up the streets always win

YOU LIVE AND YOU LEARN

2010-09-05T13:52:00.004-04:00

you broke my heart into tiny grains
i thought we were in love but this is too much pain
we fuse and fight to break up
you whisper sweet loving in my ear to make up
i thought the love will last
but soon it came to past that you only look fowarding to slapping and grabbing my ass
but i let you because i thought i loved you, but the love wasnt true
so now what do i do?
sit here and cry about the moments spent with you!!!
i rather not have tears on my pillow
nor tears of sorrow
i just hope and pray i dont come across another sorry ass nigga like you tomorrow

2010-09-05T13:47:00.002-04:00

The rain acting as the dripping blood from when you broke my heart
The thunder carrying my pain through its strong cries of sorrow
My ignorance not understanding why you hurt me
The strength of your arms wanting you to hold me
Wearing me crown still wishing you was my king
My shield, my holder, to protect me
Still fantasizing living the fairy take life
Through the days of wanting to be your wife
but dont take these feelings for lack of pride
strong and victorious i will make a lovely bride

My place in Life

2010-09-05T13:25:00.002-04:00

AS i look over my life i dont think this earth is where im meant to be

often feeling like a waste of space

only to hope that my entire life could be erased

asking god was my purpose to be miserable and bring everybody pain

to never be happy and have nothing good to gain

yea i walk around with a smile that can brighten up the entire world

but as the moon goes up and the sun come down my pretty smile turns into a frown covered by tears

my friends calling me all times of the night

knowing i mean thinking im the strong one to help them through their life long fight

but what they don't know is that the same tears they claimed to fall from their eyes

is the same tears i cried millions of times

many mornings awakening with red eyes and dry tears

only to know that the next morning they will again appear

feeling coming from the pit of my soul

crazy hurtful emotions taking total control

but than i hear the voice of my father telling me to stay strong

and thanks to him is the reason im still holding on

my story my life

2010-07-28T14:13:00.002-04:00

The story of my life has seem to change route
a fairy tale ending is no longer what it's about
however heartache and tears has now taken over pages in my book
and now my cover page has a new look
that little girl who was once so jolly
has become a young woman who often question "why me???"
her journey has never changed, still on a quest for happiness
but unfortunate happenings
has gotten in her way
which makes her want to end her story each and every day.....

iTS ABOUT thAT tIME

2008-11-13T00:06:00.003-05:00

AS I LOOK UP AND STARE INTO HER EYES
I STRANGELY FEEL HER PAIN
AND BY THE EXPRESSION ON HER FACE SHE STRUGGLES TO REMAIN SANE
THE WAY SHE HOLDS HER HEAD A LITTLE LOWER THAN THE NORM LET ME KNOW THAT SHES SLIGHTLY INSECURE
IF U TAKE THE TIME AND STUDY HER IMAGE U WILL SEE GRACE AND YOUTH BUT IF YOU LOOK A LITTLE CLOSER YOU WILL SEE WORRY AND ABUSE
NOT PHYSICAL BUT EMOTIONAL WHICH CAN SOMETIME HURT WORST BUT I ALSO SEE DETERMINATION TO REMOVE THIS LIFE CURSE
DAMN THIS MIRROR SHOWS ME MORE THAN I WANT TO SEE
BUT THE CHANGE BEGINS WITH ME
......ITS ABOUT THAT TIME

THE BUSINESS

2008-10-21T12:05:00.003-04:00

oh my talk about the business.
i had to let him know what he been missing
tender kisses reminiscing
my lips trailing his body, his lips trailing mine
ladies i gave him the business
within the night we explored new places
emotions fueling heart beats racing
for the first time i took him inside
tasting his, he tasting mine
lets talk about the business
long deep strokes
bodies hot
with each thrust he hit my spot
my turn to be in control
so i start to RIDE down love road
from the expression on his face i can see he was enjoying his trip
so to cherish the moment i kissed his lip
damn mr heartache was giving me the business
the way he moved i can tell im what he've been missing
we did business throughout the night
but there was something that wasn't right
i was letting mr heartache back in my life
all for the sake of THE BUSINESS

REUNION

2008-10-19T19:55:00.002-04:00

DAMN BLOG I KNOW IT HAS BEEN AWHILE...AND AS WE ALL KNOW WITH TIME COMES CHANGES.... WOW HAVE I BEEN THROUGH A LOT WITHIN THESE LAST COUPLE OF MONTHS....FOR STARTERS I MOVED OUT OF MY MOM HOUSE... WHAT A TRANSITION?, SO MANY RESPONSIBILITIES DAMN I CAME TO REALIZE THAT IM REALLY GROWING UP, AND IM NOT SO SURE HOW I FEEL ABOUT THAT! IM DEALING WITH MY NEW LIVING ARRANGEMENTS PRETTY WELL PHYSICALLY BUT MENTALLY IM NOT SO SURE...SINCE I MOVED I HAVE BEEN FEELING SO LONELY.... LATELY I BEEN SPENDING MOST OF MY TIME WORKING, AND BOY HAVE I BEEN ENJOYIN THE FRUITS OF THAT LABOR. OH YEA I STARTED MY SECOND YEAR OF COLLEGE IN AUGUST.. AND WITHIN A FEW WEEKS I WITH DREW....I WASNT MENTALLY READY TO START SCHOOL..I THINK I WAS SO BUSY WRAPPED UP IN MY SOCIAL LIFE I GOT SIDE TRACK AND SEEM TO HAVE FORGOTTEN WHAT WAS IMPORTANT...DURING THOSE FEW WEEKS OF SCHOOL IT WAS JUST SO HARD TO STAY FOCUS, THERE WAS ALWAYS SOMEBODY AT MY HOUSE AND WHEN I ATTEMPTED TO DO HOMEWORK THERE WAS JUST MANY OTHER THINGS GOIN ON AROUND ME THAT SEEMED SO MUCH IMPORTANT AT THE TIME...BUT I PLAN ON GOIN BACK TO SCHOOL IN JANUARY, ONE THING IM NOT IS A QUITTER. OH YEA I JUS STARTED TALKIN TO MR HEARTACHE AGAIN, ITS ALWAYS SOMETHING NEW WITH HIM, DAMN HE IS SO UNPREDICTABLE, AFTER HAVENT SPOKEN TO HIM IN A FEW MONTHS HE HAD THE NERVE TO QUESTION ME ABOUT STARTING A RELATIONSHIP, I WAS STARTLED BY THE QUESTION, I COULDNT UNDERSTAND WHY ALL OF A SUDDEN HE WAS READY FOR A COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP, I HAD TO PASS ON THE OFFER BECAUSE MY HEART WASNT FULLY HEALED TO PUT IT IN A SITUATION WHERE IT COULD POSSIBLY BE HURT AGAIN. I FEEL THERE IS A VOID IN MY LIFE THAT NEED TO BE FILLED, IT SOMETHING THAT I NEED TO FEEL COMPLETE. SPENDING DAYS AND NIGHTS ALONE ...I DONT THINK ITS HEALTHY EMOTIONALLY. ITS JUST THAT EVERY GUY I COME ACROSS I ALWAYS SEEM TO FIND A REASON NOT TO LIKE THEM... DAMN SOME TIMES I DONT EVEN HAVE LEGIT REASON .. THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME .. I KNOW...I THOUGHT THAT ME MOVING OUT WOULD BRING NEW BEGINNINGS BUT NOTHIN SEEEM TO CHANGE REALLY.. I HAVE MY OWN HOUSE MY OWN CAR AND I AM FINANCIALLY STABLE THROUGH THE GRACE OF GOD BUT HOWEVER I HAVE NO ONE TO SHARE THESE THINGS WITH...

TIL WE MEET AGAIN

Another year older

2008-03-21T02:01:00.004-04:00

As i look over my life i realize how much i have grown

from A cups to overloads C's

from high school to working towards masters degrees

so many accomplishment within these 19 yrs

Settle Vs Search

2008-02-25T00:39:00.002-05:00

damn latey for some reason or another i been having this heavy question on my heart and dont matter who i talk to or how i analyze it, it just doesnt seem clear to me ......
i recently read a quote that said " dont settle for the one you can live with search for the one you cant live without" and when i first read it i took a liking to it and what it stood for, but as i began to read more into it a verse from a luther vandross song cross my mind.... in the song it said " if you cant have the one you love, than love the one your with. damn two strong quotes with opposite meanings.
so i ask myself which quote do i live by. do i search for the love from the man of my dreams or do i love the man who stand with me in reality. Is it bad to love the one your with rather than search for the one you cant live without. Would that be considered settling ....
what if the one you cant live without is out of reach.....
what if u been searchin for mr perfect and you guys neva crossed paths
what if u was a lil too late with ur search and the man you cant live without settled for loving the one he was with
than is it ok for you to do the same.....??????

TWISTED

2008-02-12T22:14:00.005-05:00

I NOTICED THAT BEFORE MY SMILE COMPLETELY APPEAR

MY EYES STARTS TO WATER AND FORM MY TEARS

REALIZING A FROWN IS A SMILE TWISTED AROUND

MAYBE I WAS NEVER SMILING MY IMAGE WAS REFLECTED UPSIDE DOWN

2008-02-12T21:58:00.004-05:00

Your miscommunication and my crazy allegations lead to a destruction of our relation . I Became a believer that you was a deciever and forced myslef to make it work, but still in the end i wound up hurt. Was it my love for you that you took for granted. I thought i was your everything the root to the tree you planted. The crazy irrational disagreements that didnt have to occur made me believe that the love i had for you, you had for her.

I WONT DRINK YA CUP OF BULLSHIT MR DRINKS LOL

2008-02-09T14:46:00.000-05:00

I WONT FALL FOR YA BULLSHIT
U KNOW IM SMARTER THAN THAT
I WONT BELIVE THAT YAW ARE THRU
CUZ I BEEN HEARD THAT
I CANT BELIEVE THAT U LOVE ME
CUZ U ACT LIKE THAT
AND WE WILL NEVA BE ONE
CUZ U MADE IT LIKE THAT
SO WHEN I SAY MR. DRINKS I WILL NOT DRINK YA DRINK I WILL NOT FALL FOR YA LIES AND HOW DARE U BE SUPRISED
U HAVE KNOWN ME TOO LONG AND U KNOW THAT IM STRONG AND I WILL NOT BE YA SIDE JAWN U FLAUNT ON YA ARM
SO WHEN I SAY MR DRINKS I WILL NOT DRINK YA DRINK I WILL HAVE NO SYMPATHY AND ONE DAY U WONT MEAN SHIT TO ME I'VE DECIDED TO MOVE ON SO CONSIDER ME GONE
SO IM SAYING MR DRINKS I WILL NOT DRINK YA DRINK.....

IMMA RIDE FOR MY MOTHAF**KING NIGGA

2008-02-09T12:28:00.002-05:00

THIS F**KED UP ASS SYSTEM WONT LET MY NIGGA GO AND THIS SHIT IS IRKING THE HELL OUTTA ME.SO F**K IT IMMA RIDE THIS SHIT OUT WITH MY MAN. MONEY ON HIS BOOKS HE GOT COMMISSARY STACKED VISITS TWICE A WEEK IM THERE SAME TIME SAME DAYS. BARNES AND NOBLES ORDERS HEAVY TO KEEP HIS MIND ENTERTAINED I ASK THEM WHY MY NIGGA STILL BOOKED AND THESE PIGS CANT EXPLAIN.MY NIGGA BEATING CASES SO THEY CANT HOLD HIM FOR LONG THEY SAID HE WAS GUILTY ON THE CHARGE BUT OUR LAWYER PROVED THEM WRONG.SHIT IF HE READY TO ESCAPE THEN IM DISTRACTING THE GUARDS, IM HIS BONNIE HE MY CLYDE BUT IM A LITTLE MORE HARD. I GOT THE MAK TUCKED IN MY BRA IF THE PIGS WANNA BUST THAN IMMA LET THE BULLETS FLY.DAMN IMMA LITTLE TOO GANGSTA FOR MY OWN GOOD BUT WHAT CAN U EXPECT IM A LADY FROM THE HOOD.

2008-02-08T13:36:00.000-05:00

Dear blog,

I know havent spoken to you in a while, its just that a lot of things have been going on. Have you ever had so much to say to the point where you couldnt say nothing, well thats how i been feeling lately. So much have been going on. Just last week i allowed mr heartache to have another piece of my heart. I know your probably thinking... what was she thinking... cause i ask myself the same question, but still i havent yet to come up with an answer. This guy is so confusing. I never seem to know if he is coming or going. He made me feel like we was taking our relationship to the next level in so many ways. I guess he started to realize that he was pushing me too much and that the next couple of pushes will push me away forever, I dont know......The way he looked into my eyes made me melt like wax, dont get me wrong he looked into my eyes before but never like this....and the words he said to me sent chills through my body.... how do i allow a man to have this crazy effect on me...... I lot of times i just feel like he dont really know how to love because he has never been loved this much by a person before... A part of me want to hold him down and continue to love him the way i do but while i'm loving him whose going to give me the love that i crave for.Maybe I should take advise from Musiq and teach him to love. Can I really hold him accountable for something that he was never taught...I guess imma just ride this one through and pray that I dont get hurt while riding...

2008-01-25T01:56:00.001-05:00

stupid i'm not

but in love i am

however seems to feel like one in the same

reagrdless to whom made me this way

i only have myself to blame

caught up in the moment i let love guide me

but was he in love with me

or was it lust for my body

FOOLS Gamble TWICE

2008-01-22T17:11:00.000-05:00

i was only with you a few weeks
but there was something about you that made me weak
to beleive your every word, and feel no self control
to let my guard down and take a trip on love road
even though i driven down that sacred road before only to make a U turn and find out "love dont live here anymore"
but i once heard a wise person say..
being able to fall in love means being able to take chances
so here i am with the dice
and this voice in my head telling me only fools gamble twice
so mabe i'm a fool......

IM NOT OVER HIM, IM STILL FALLING FOR HIM GAME

2008-01-18T11:14:00.000-05:00

I thought I was almost over him
I admit I was tired of the games
but to have him in my life I will endure the pain
damn I know I'm a fool for allowing him to play with my heart
but without him I feel incomplete like pieces spread apart
why do I put myself in this predicament to be hurt over and over again
this game of love is one in which I can never win
I despise of myself for being so vulnerable and heads over hill for a man
but these are the actions of my heart not something of which I had planned
when he wrap his hands around my waist I fall into a trance
thinking bout when we first laid down to do the grown up dance
stuck between a battle of the heart and the mind
mr heartache make me weak
like a person without a spine
thinking back to when I said I was almost through I can say that was a lie
I guess I have to wait til the day my love subside
shit, I m not over him but sometimes I wish I was
Is it wrong for me to be with the person that I love
Damn I'm not over him.....

contradictions

2008-01-06T08:02:00.000-05:00

silence can be the loudest sound
while also being a state of peace
love can be strongest emotion
while also causing the worst pain
tears can be a sign of sadness, grief and unhappiness
while also symbolizing relief and joy
the world is full of oxymorons and contradictions which can be why so many people are often misunderstood. if possible i would like to look through the eyes of someone else and see how other percieve me, because of my joyful character do people see my tears as happiness when actually its pain and sadness.
misunderstanding can come from miscommunication and understanding of a person along with their feelings and outlooks.

2008-01-05T16:26:00.001-05:00

lost without words
confused without thought
stuck with no escape
who would have ever thought
pain bottled inside
emotions unexpressed
the inner me causes my stress

The Real Me

2008-01-05T01:48:00.001-05:00

No one really knows me,
because i barely know myself.
I hide behind many mask to avoid the hand that i was dealt.
So many people told me to forget expectation and be truthful with myself.
So here i am coming clean exposing the hand i was dealt.
I'm not this strong person that many take me to be,
I'm weak like a fragile baby, craving for my fathers strength to save me, no longer feeling like I'm part of his world, i went thirteen year while being his only baby girl, replaced and forgotten like a child's toy, i now search for the love of a man to fill that void.
I'm not confident nor am I secure, i have many flaws as i was told many of times before.
I'm no size two, i don't have a six pack, and unfortunately for me my hair don't flow down my back.
I'm darker in complexion, and thicker in size, I have a big butt with even bigger thighs.
Many people think that I'm always happy and never cry but only if they knew my eyes never runs dry.
I can cry a river or even an ocean I am not perfect I am still a human who have emotions.
Exposing the real me, i can now remove my mask and those people who dont except it can live in my past..

say i love you

2007-10-09T14:20:00.001-04:00

Is me asking you to love me back like asking for a million dollar

all i ask is that you give me you physically emotionally and mentally and then you i will never bother

i often wonder what it is about her that you love so much

maybe im not pretty and just dont have that special touch

what if i was 10 lbs thinner with hazel brown eyes

a little waist and smaller thighs

except me with my flaws

because i have excepted you

and please understand that was not the easiest thing to do

so next time i say im sad comfort me

when i open my arms hug me

and when i say i love you

say it back

i think im almost over him

2007-10-08T02:27:00.001-04:00

He dragged me along for far too long

and i believe that its time for me to let go

i heard many people say that a man can only do what you allow them to do

so i guess I'm to blame for my own stress and heart ache

the expression stuck between a rock and a hard place pertain to my situation

do i leave and risk losing something that can maybe one day bring me happiness

or do i search for Mr. happiness and leave Mr. heart ache

whose to say that one day Mr. Happiness will not make the switch to become Mr. Heart ache just as Mr. Heart ache once was Mr. Happiness

what a risk and what a decisions!

A year a and a half what a waste of time

no accomplishments and no commitment

but love that goes deep

at least on my side i can say for sure

i told myself many of times that i was going to leave him alone

but it seem as though i was only lying to myself

i was told that i was persuasive!

i know that with prayer i can overcome many obstacles

so my next step is to prey for strength

strength to get rid of heart ache before it get rid of me

emotionally and mentally.