iTS ABOUT thAT tIME

AS I LOOK UP AND STARE INTO HER EYES
I STRANGELY FEEL HER PAIN
AND BY THE EXPRESSION ON HER FACE SHE STRUGGLES TO REMAIN SANE
THE WAY SHE HOLDS HER HEAD A LITTLE LOWER THAN THE NORM LET ME KNOW THAT SHES SLIGHTLY INSECURE
IF U TAKE THE TIME AND STUDY HER IMAGE U WILL SEE GRACE AND YOUTH BUT IF YOU LOOK A LITTLE CLOSER YOU WILL SEE WORRY AND ABUSE
NOT PHYSICAL BUT EMOTIONAL WHICH CAN SOMETIME HURT WORST BUT I ALSO SEE DETERMINATION TO REMOVE THIS LIFE CURSE
DAMN THIS MIRROR SHOWS ME MORE THAN I WANT TO SEE
BUT THE CHANGE BEGINS WITH ME
......ITS ABOUT THAT TIME

THE BUSINESS

oh my talk about the business.
i had to let him know what he been missing
tender kisses reminiscing
my lips trailing his body, his lips trailing mine
ladies i gave him the business
within the night we explored new places
emotions fueling heart beats racing
for the first time i took him inside
tasting his, he tasting mine
lets talk about the business
long deep strokes
bodies hot
with each thrust he hit my spot
my turn to be in control
so i start to RIDE down love road
from the expression on his face i can see he was enjoying his trip
so to cherish the moment i kissed his lip
damn mr heartache was giving me the business
the way he moved i can tell im what he've been missing
we did business throughout the night
but there was something that wasn't right
i was letting mr heartache back in my life
all for the sake of THE BUSINESS

REUNION

DAMN BLOG I KNOW IT HAS BEEN AWHILE...AND AS WE ALL KNOW WITH TIME COMES CHANGES.... WOW HAVE I BEEN THROUGH A LOT WITHIN THESE LAST COUPLE OF MONTHS....FOR STARTERS I MOVED OUT OF MY MOM HOUSE... WHAT A TRANSITION?, SO MANY RESPONSIBILITIES DAMN I CAME TO REALIZE THAT IM REALLY GROWING UP, AND IM NOT SO SURE HOW I FEEL ABOUT THAT! IM DEALING WITH MY NEW LIVING ARRANGEMENTS PRETTY WELL PHYSICALLY BUT MENTALLY IM NOT SO SURE...SINCE I MOVED I HAVE BEEN FEELING SO LONELY.... LATELY I BEEN SPENDING MOST OF MY TIME WORKING, AND BOY HAVE I BEEN ENJOYIN THE FRUITS OF THAT LABOR. OH YEA I STARTED MY SECOND YEAR OF COLLEGE IN AUGUST.. AND WITHIN A FEW WEEKS I WITH DREW....I WASNT MENTALLY READY TO START SCHOOL..I THINK I WAS SO BUSY WRAPPED UP IN MY SOCIAL LIFE I GOT SIDE TRACK AND SEEM TO HAVE FORGOTTEN WHAT WAS IMPORTANT...DURING THOSE FEW WEEKS OF SCHOOL IT WAS JUST SO HARD TO STAY FOCUS, THERE WAS ALWAYS SOMEBODY AT MY HOUSE AND WHEN I ATTEMPTED TO DO HOMEWORK THERE WAS JUST MANY OTHER THINGS GOIN ON AROUND ME THAT SEEMED SO MUCH IMPORTANT AT THE TIME...BUT I PLAN ON GOIN BACK TO SCHOOL IN JANUARY, ONE THING IM NOT IS A QUITTER. OH YEA I JUS STARTED TALKIN TO MR HEARTACHE AGAIN, ITS ALWAYS SOMETHING NEW WITH HIM, DAMN HE IS SO UNPREDICTABLE, AFTER HAVENT SPOKEN TO HIM IN A FEW MONTHS HE HAD THE NERVE TO QUESTION ME ABOUT STARTING A RELATIONSHIP, I WAS STARTLED BY THE QUESTION, I COULDNT UNDERSTAND WHY ALL OF A SUDDEN HE WAS READY FOR A COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP, I HAD TO PASS ON THE OFFER BECAUSE MY HEART WASNT FULLY HEALED TO PUT IT IN A SITUATION WHERE IT COULD POSSIBLY BE HURT AGAIN. I FEEL THERE IS A VOID IN MY LIFE THAT NEED TO BE FILLED, IT SOMETHING THAT I NEED TO FEEL COMPLETE. SPENDING DAYS AND NIGHTS ALONE ...I DONT THINK ITS HEALTHY EMOTIONALLY. ITS JUST THAT EVERY GUY I COME ACROSS I ALWAYS SEEM TO FIND A REASON NOT TO LIKE THEM... DAMN SOME TIMES I DONT EVEN HAVE LEGIT REASON .. THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME .. I KNOW...I THOUGHT THAT ME MOVING OUT WOULD BRING NEW BEGINNINGS BUT NOTHIN SEEEM TO CHANGE REALLY.. I HAVE MY OWN HOUSE MY OWN CAR AND I AM FINANCIALLY STABLE THROUGH THE GRACE OF GOD BUT HOWEVER I HAVE NO ONE TO SHARE THESE THINGS WITH...

TIL WE MEET AGAIN

Another year older

As i look over my life i realize how much i have grown

from A cups to overloads C's

from high school to working towards masters degrees

so many accomplishment within these 19 yrs

Settle Vs Search

damn latey for some reason or another i been having this heavy question on my heart and dont matter who i talk to or how i analyze it, it just doesnt seem clear to me ......
i recently read a quote that said " dont settle for the one you can live with search for the one you cant live without" and when i first read it i took a liking to it and what it stood for, but as i began to read more into it a verse from a luther vandross song cross my mind.... in the song it said " if you cant have the one you love, than love the one your with. damn two strong quotes with opposite meanings.
so i ask myself which quote do i live by. do i search for the love from the man of my dreams or do i love the man who stand with me in reality. Is it bad to love the one your with rather than search for the one you cant live without. Would that be considered settling ....
what if the one you cant live without is out of reach.....
what if u been searchin for mr perfect and you guys neva crossed paths
what if u was a lil too late with ur search and the man you cant live without settled for loving the one he was with
than is it ok for you to do the same.....??????

TWISTED

I NOTICED THAT BEFORE MY SMILE COMPLETELY APPEAR

MY EYES STARTS TO WATER AND FORM MY TEARS

REALIZING A FROWN IS A SMILE TWISTED AROUND

MAYBE I WAS NEVER SMILING MY IMAGE WAS REFLECTED UPSIDE DOWN

Your miscommunication and my crazy allegations lead to a destruction of our relation . I Became a believer that you was a deciever and forced myslef to make it work, but still in the end i wound up hurt. Was it my love for you that you took for granted. I thought i was your everything the root to the tree you planted. The crazy irrational disagreements that didnt have to occur made me believe that the love i had for you, you had for her.

I WONT DRINK YA CUP OF BULLSHIT MR DRINKS LOL

I WONT FALL FOR YA BULLSHIT
U KNOW IM SMARTER THAN THAT
I WONT BELIVE THAT YAW ARE THRU
CUZ I BEEN HEARD THAT
I CANT BELIEVE THAT U LOVE ME
CUZ U ACT LIKE THAT
AND WE WILL NEVA BE ONE
CUZ U MADE IT LIKE THAT
SO WHEN I SAY MR. DRINKS I WILL NOT DRINK YA DRINK I WILL NOT FALL FOR YA LIES AND HOW DARE U BE SUPRISED
U HAVE KNOWN ME TOO LONG AND U KNOW THAT IM STRONG AND I WILL NOT BE YA SIDE JAWN U FLAUNT ON YA ARM
SO WHEN I SAY MR DRINKS I WILL NOT DRINK YA DRINK I WILL HAVE NO SYMPATHY AND ONE DAY U WONT MEAN SHIT TO ME I'VE DECIDED TO MOVE ON SO CONSIDER ME GONE
SO IM SAYING MR DRINKS I WILL NOT DRINK YA DRINK.....

IMMA RIDE FOR MY MOTHAF**KING NIGGA

THIS F**KED UP ASS SYSTEM WONT LET MY NIGGA GO AND THIS SHIT IS IRKING THE HELL OUTTA ME.SO F**K IT IMMA RIDE THIS SHIT OUT WITH MY MAN. MONEY ON HIS BOOKS HE GOT COMMISSARY STACKED VISITS TWICE A WEEK IM THERE SAME TIME SAME DAYS. BARNES AND NOBLES ORDERS HEAVY TO KEEP HIS MIND ENTERTAINED I ASK THEM WHY MY NIGGA STILL BOOKED AND THESE PIGS CANT EXPLAIN.MY NIGGA BEATING CASES SO THEY CANT HOLD HIM FOR LONG THEY SAID HE WAS GUILTY ON THE CHARGE BUT OUR LAWYER PROVED THEM WRONG.SHIT IF HE READY TO ESCAPE THEN IM DISTRACTING THE GUARDS, IM HIS BONNIE HE MY CLYDE BUT IM A LITTLE MORE HARD. I GOT THE MAK TUCKED IN MY BRA IF THE PIGS WANNA BUST THAN IMMA LET THE BULLETS FLY.DAMN IMMA LITTLE TOO GANGSTA FOR MY OWN GOOD BUT WHAT CAN U EXPECT IM A LADY FROM THE HOOD.

Dear blog,

I know havent spoken to you in a while, its just that a lot of things have been going on. Have you ever had so much to say to the point where you couldnt say nothing, well thats how i been feeling lately. So much have been going on. Just last week i allowed mr heartache to have another piece of my heart. I know your probably thinking... what was she thinking... cause i ask myself the same question, but still i havent yet to come up with an answer. This guy is so confusing. I never seem to know if he is coming or going. He made me feel like we was taking our relationship to the next level in so many ways. I guess he started to realize that he was pushing me too much and that the next couple of pushes will push me away forever, I dont know......The way he looked into my eyes made me melt like wax, dont get me wrong he looked into my eyes before but never like this....and the words he said to me sent chills through my body.... how do i allow a man to have this crazy effect on me...... I lot of times i just feel like he dont really know how to love because he has never been loved this much by a person before... A part of me want to hold him down and continue to love him the way i do but while i'm loving him whose going to give me the love that i crave for.Maybe I should take advise from Musiq and teach him to love. Can I really hold him accountable for something that he was never taught...I guess imma just ride this one through and pray that I dont get hurt while riding...

stupid i'm not

but in love i am

however seems to feel like one in the same

reagrdless to whom made me this way

i only have myself to blame

caught up in the moment i let love guide me

but was he in love with me

or was it lust for my body

FOOLS Gamble TWICE

i was only with you a few weeks
but there was something about you that made me weak
to beleive your every word, and feel no self control
to let my guard down and take a trip on love road
even though i driven down that sacred road before only to make a U turn and find out "love dont live here anymore"
but i once heard a wise person say..
being able to fall in love means being able to take chances
so here i am with the dice
and this voice in my head telling me only fools gamble twice
so mabe i'm a fool......

IM NOT OVER HIM, IM STILL FALLING FOR HIM GAME

I thought I was almost over him
I admit I was tired of the games
but to have him in my life I will endure the pain
damn I know I'm a fool for allowing him to play with my heart
but without him I feel incomplete like pieces spread apart
why do I put myself in this predicament to be hurt over and over again
this game of love is one in which I can never win
I despise of myself for being so vulnerable and heads over hill for a man
but these are the actions of my heart not something of which I had planned
when he wrap his hands around my waist I fall into a trance
thinking bout when we first laid down to do the grown up dance
stuck between a battle of the heart and the mind
mr heartache make me weak
like a person without a spine
thinking back to when I said I was almost through I can say that was a lie
I guess I have to wait til the day my love subside
shit, I m not over him but sometimes I wish I was
Is it wrong for me to be with the person that I love
Damn I'm not over him.....

contradictions

silence can be the loudest sound
while also being a state of peace
love can be strongest emotion
while also causing the worst pain
tears can be a sign of sadness, grief and unhappiness
while also symbolizing relief and joy
the world is full of oxymorons and contradictions which can be why so many people are often misunderstood. if possible i would like to look through the eyes of someone else and see how other percieve me, because of my joyful character do people see my tears as happiness when actually its pain and sadness.
misunderstanding can come from miscommunication and understanding of a person along with their feelings and outlooks.

lost without words
confused without thought
stuck with no escape
who would have ever thought
pain bottled inside
emotions unexpressed
the inner me causes my stress

The Real Me

No one really knows me,
because i barely know myself.
I hide behind many mask to avoid the hand that i was dealt.
So many people told me to forget expectation and be truthful with myself.
So here i am coming clean exposing the hand i was dealt.
I'm not this strong person that many take me to be,
I'm weak like a fragile baby, craving for my fathers strength to save me, no longer feeling like I'm part of his world, i went thirteen year while being his only baby girl, replaced and forgotten like a child's toy, i now search for the love of a man to fill that void.
I'm not confident nor am I secure, i have many flaws as i was told many of times before.
I'm no size two, i don't have a six pack, and unfortunately for me my hair don't flow down my back.
I'm darker in complexion, and thicker in size, I have a big butt with even bigger thighs.
Many people think that I'm always happy and never cry but only if they knew my eyes never runs dry.
I can cry a river or even an ocean I am not perfect I am still a human who have emotions.
Exposing the real me, i can now remove my mask and those people who dont except it can live in my past..